Proud...

How has everyone's 2020 been going?

Are you in the group of you hate 2020, if everything bad could happen, it has happened to you? Or are you in the group of individuals where 2020 has actually been a blessing in disguise and has worked in your favor?

I am a little bit in both groups- guess depends on the month. One month is perfect and working in my favor and the next things aren't working out and things seem to go against the norm.

However, one thing that I can say I have heard more of this year than I guess I am used to hearing is "I am proud of you..."

Do not get me wrong, I have been told this before for other accomplishments and I feel the same feeling, the proud feeling of being "accomplished or successful."

This year however I have heard it so many times and I find myself not feeling, "Proud." I feel opposite of this compliment - and at one point even felt guilty.

Why am I feeling guilty for a compliment of accomplishment, I should feel proud! I should be like "YES, I DID THAT!"

"Tyler I am so proud of you for being so strong"

"I am proud of your weight loss and your health changes"

"I am so proud to see how strong you have been"

"I am so proud and wish I could run my own business like you"

"I am so proud you are getting your Masters, girl you are doing it"

"I am proud of you for facing your depression and anxiety"

"I am proud you came to me and allowing me to pray for you"

"I am proud of you to see your worth"

"I am proud of you, you have a terrible disease and still be building and doing things I can't even imagine trying."

These are the last few proud compliments I wrote down in my prayer journal. I read these and cried. Because they are kind words and yet for me I don't feel proud. I feel guilty- I feel as if I am not fulfilling a purpose and falling short from true desires.

I love building, I hate my degenerative disease, I love learning and studying, I hate economics. I love creating things people see in their minds and bringing them to life, I hate the excessive picky details. I love being a Mommy, I hate having to have the mother's patience. I love giving back, I hate limiting where I can give back to.

I juggle the loves and hates - I juggle that I am completely worn out and overwhelmed with my business that I don't see a finished product as a success but as a stress of almost not finalizing it on time or exactly to the clients specifics.

I don't see the hugs and I love you's from my daughter as unconditional love but a concern, of "I must not being giving her enough time and attention."

I juggle the idea of nay sayers reminding me I am wasting my time getting my Master's degree, or I won't be successful with obtaining it- and then feel as if I truly don't deserve such achievement.

I find myself broken and shattered by a relationship with someone I have put all my love and admiration into that it has caused me to say and do things with such cold heart tendencies. I don't see my worth, my beauty, and compare myself to others.

I don't feel proud- I find that 2020 has forced me personally into making hard decisions and changed my perspective on people in my life, my perception of my time, worth and value. I found myself removing major important people from my life and trying to decide when I will feel content.

Do you ever find doubt or insecurity in a compliment, or a success of achievement?

How has 2020 changed your perception?